endless amorphic oxidation

At home on the brink of chaos.

Love or be killed.

Clean my house, feed my fam.

One with beauty and wretchedness, joy and sorrow.

the skinny

Already almost halfway around the sun again. I've driven coast to coast twice since January, effectively. And settling into new patterns of interacting with people, new expressions of love, comraderie, and truth.

I saw my kiddo and ex in the winter; cathartic and yet so painful — to see how K still lives in their tortured ways and how they struggle with raising A — I tried to give my all to help, seemingly in vain. We are just so different, and it's only become more apparent in the past year. How can you help somebody who doesn't want to help themselves? How can you coparent when you disagree on basic tenants of human interaction and development? And we talk about moving back in together for A's sake? What do we think we're doing?

But travelling has been good; met some wonderful people and saw lots of old friends an family. I didn't get to do as much out west this past month as I'd planned for financial reasons, but I did what I could and spent some good time with my peeps. Now I'm back in Santa Fe and I'm gonna be staying a while just settling back in, saving some money, and doing my thing.

And what else can I do? This country is utterly fucked. The damage done to our social institutions just in the past four months has been unbelievable, and it's gonna continue to get worse. Freedom of speech is being eroded and xenophobia and deportation are increasing. And the military-industrial complex never lets up, and now it's virtualizing. How can we thrive like this? How can humans continue to fall so deep into this crystalized hell?

Then there was a hell I built myself — I let myself get myopic and selfish, and I quit my job hastily last month. My tax return is late and I had to dump $4500 into my car in California. The software landscape is a joke right now and freelancing within my financial constraints proved impossible. Despite my strong feelings, I had to crawl back to WEX and grovel for my position back. I'm really lucky they like me over there, but until the rehire is complete and I get my first paycheck I'm living off my credit cards.